Post by secretsout on May 21, 2019 17:02:56 GMT -7
I knew the day would come when my jw mom would disown me for walking away from the Borg!
Now that I know ( she hasn’t said anything to me, but has told my non-jw family members). I thought that I would handle this differently! My mom and I never had a good or healthy relationship. Thinking back, we were never close or really gotten along with each other! But she is my mother, and I am, and will always be her daughter. Although, I know why she made the decision to shun me; I don’t think that I will ever fully understand the reason for turning your back on someone for having a changed mind! The funny thing is , I found out that she has reported this to my family for quite some time. However, she still seems to call me when she wants something from me. I wonder, if it will be petty on my part, to shun her as well! Just a thought.
Last Edit: May 22, 2019 2:20:06 GMT -7 by secretsout
After nearly 40 years gone from the org this shunning thing JWs stick to, still gets to me. It may well be the most troubling doctrine for JWs - aside from their no blood doctrine.
I'm really sorry to hear what you're going through secretsout. Your mother sounds very immature (like most JWs).
They've been told that shunning is meant to bring 'errant ones' (BARFF) back.
Last November my mother told me to my face that if I don't return to the organisation she will have no choice but to completely cut ties with me (again; this has happened before). She'll be 92 this year.
In the past when she's tried to put the thumbscrews on and shunned me, I've continued to send her pretty cards twice a year with 'love you, think of you every day, hope you're well'. Over 10 years or so I only got 2 replies; one was begging me to 'repent' (more barffing), no reply from me; the other one was a terse note stipulating changes in her Will; ho-hum, fine by me I sent a lovely card back.
She was expecting me to kick up and argue the point). Eventually she softened and we had a fairly good relationship for a few years.
Last November when she gave me the ultimatum again, I arced up. (Wasn't the way I imagined I'd react; she caught me unawares, we'd been reminiscing, I passed on best wishes from a mutual friend; it was also an important milestone birthday 60!, I was a bit emotional.)
November her stance of come back or no more, I tore into her and the Watchtower Society, and stormed out telling her I would not say goodbye to her.
I haven't contacted her since, and as things stand I don't intend to. At 92 she may well leave her mortal coil any day and we haven't had a chance to say goodbye to each other. It's so upsetting.
I can't advise you secretsout, what to do. Each situation is unique, has its own twists and turns, histories and personalities. I just wonder if your mother will have the guts to level with you face to face. You shouldn't have to be the one to raise the subject to her.
My mom will respond to me but not initiate. She keeps discussion to a minimum. I’m not disfellowshipped, just not attending meetings or going in service. My husband is not an elder any more and he grew a beard. Thing is, 2 of my sisters had left being witnesses for years ( over 20) and we never treated them any different. Now they came back just a few years ago and are in good graces. They hardly go in service at all, carts shesh! and they spent their worldly time working and saving money for a nice retirement and now have a social circle. Good for them, I feel stupid.if you are going to do it, that’s the way. Me and my 2 other sisters ( I have 4) who stayed in all those years suffered and have left. ( It’s like we changed places) it’s definitely different. At a complete disadvantage. I wouldn’t be surprised if we get disinherited too.
It's so tricky dealing with programmed minds. We know what it's like, we've been there. We've probably even seen how some JWs are more hardline than others.
It just sucks when we get shoved around, pigeon-holed, treated like low-life, even like criminals. Then they think it's ok to walk all over our boundaries by trying to infiltrate the children and grandchildren of exJWs.
Years ago I said to my mother how many times for years I've jumped through her hoops in order to keep the peace - but eventually enough is enough.
(I really don't know how some pretend to go back and become 'reinstated' - kudos to them!)
We have to protect our sanity. When it comes to young children and grandchildren of exJWs, JWs have to be told straight out, where possible, they're not respecting the rights of immediate family/guardians.
Love bombing adult kids - I hope the kids understand what it's like, that they know both sides of the story.
Post by Thehotone4u2 on May 29, 2019 5:08:50 GMT -7
Shunning is a two edge sword!
It's horrible and ridiculous for a parent to shun their child. It's hurtful! But the thing is that after a while it becomes the new "normal" dynamic. It becomes very easy to shun the parent back eventually. After all they've put themselves out there as mean, uncaring and resentful. When they discover they've lost their parent mojo, they try to nudge the cage, but they end up shunned themselves at that point.
That's their fault! At the end of the day, we're all in charge of who's in our life, and given the choice all the drama queens, slanderers and back stabbers get the boot!
My mother never shunned me. But she would fall for the slander every now and then. JW's seem to always try to negotiate the facts whenever it doesn't fit their narrative, and she was a big one for that. Then they profer their "bible based" "counsel" based on their version of the facts. I'm sorry, but what happened, actually happened! It's not negotiable! Advice on how to handle a circumstance that didn't happen that way is useless. I have no intention of changing my story to appease someone or cover someone who got caught damaging my life somehow. I am all about accountability! You mess with me, I will hold you accountable, guaranteed. I will find a way! The alternative is to send the message to your abusers that they will get away with abusing you. No thanks. No "kick me" sign on my back.
So there are times when I became angry with my mother for this. I had pat answers that I thought we steer her away from her fake news lectures, but they didn't help permanently. I used to tell her that it would be supremely stupid of me to set one foot in a KH when my brother is still spreading rumors. Wasn't 17 years of that crap enough? I will never be allowed to be a JW, so...no, was another one.
But still, she never shunned me, so I never shunned her. She was a good mother when I was a child. Provided a good stable home, and cheered me on with education. She had her delusions and quirks but in the grand scheme of things, in the balance, she was more good for my life than bad. I gave her the mother pass! She loved me, and wanted the best for me, even though as an adult I refused to be trained to be like her.
Some parents absolutely should be shunned just for mental health! I've witnessed some parents be just flat out evil! Hateful! They use that JW doctrine like a club to abuse their children. Several of our members on this forum have parents like that.
In the end, it's your choice. You are in charge of setting the parameters of all your relationships, mother included.
Every day people are straying away from the church and going back to god!-Lenny Bruce (1925-1966)
our friend Arlis Scott said this in another thread:
'I think the best advice I ever heard from these sites was that the control that is held against them is so strong at times, that these family members only remember what you looked like when you were at the hall. It's a kind of safe bubble for them so they don't have to think to much of loosing you. Don't let their life style control you to the point that you forget that you have a life. Live it to the fullest.'
Shimmerjet: I am ok hotone thanks for asking, usually warm for this time of year here in middlew earth
Jun 15, 2019 15:02:06 GMT -7
Rusholme: Greetings from Sweden! Long time no see! :)
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Shimmerjet: hey Rusholme great to see you, gottta go to work but hopefully we can catch up soon, hope you are well x
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Shimmerjet: Morning all, have a beautiful day x
Jun 27, 2019 12:53:42 GMT -7
Rusholme: Hope everyone is having a nice day!
Jul 3, 2019 8:16:33 GMT -7
Shimmerjet: Today felt like a week, last day of school tomorrow then two glorious weeks off, the kids have checked out already, making for the long day!
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Rusholme: Sounds good shimmer, hope you'll have a great vacay!
Jul 4, 2019 3:41:40 GMT -7
Thehotone4u2: Yay! Days off! Unfortunately I've got a pile of stuff to do around the house.
Jul 4, 2019 14:30:56 GMT -7
Shimmerjet: Yea same, like a date with the linen cupboard lol
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Shimmerjet: quee, hello, lol I was just looking to see if you were on fb and here you are, hows things?
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Queequeg: Great Shimmy, I'll try to catch you on facebook in a bit.
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Shimmerjet: the one thing Australia does better than New Zealand is......... vegemite beats marmite hands down
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DrivingAce: Hey Guys! It's been a while since I came on, but I wanted to say a quick hello! I've been mostly lurking on the exjw Subreddit, but I didn't want to forget everyone here! Hope all is well!
Jul 8, 2019 8:37:39 GMT -7
Rusholme: Good to hear from you drivingace, all the best! ; )
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Shimmerjet: Wanted..... posters, please we need to liven up this place, we get many visitors but not many posters, why is this? We are a laid back bunch, most veiws welcome, christain, pagan, everyday stuff, all makes for a good convo? take the plunge and post?
Jul 12, 2019 2:39:53 GMT -7
Thehotone4u2: I'm happy to report that I finally got a day off! Yay! Finally got a chance to post a few things. I hope you guys are having a wonderful day today!
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Thehotone4u2: I hope to finally retire sometime at the end of the year.
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